The Last Jedi Abridged: Spoiler Edition
by Right What Is Wrong
Summary: I have not actually had the chance to watch The Last Jedi. However, I have stumbled across spoilers. Here is the abridged film, as best I understand it… /PARODY/


**Author's Note:** If I omit any major plots, I'm only going by the spoilers I've seen half-by-accident.

Also, though this should be obvious - **MASSIVE** **THE LAST JEDI** **SPOILERS.**

* * *

"Why did you flee to Ahch-To?" Rey asked anxiously.

"Do you think I came to the most unfindable place in the galaxy for no reason?" Luke asked. As he spoke, he calmly milked a giant sloth.

There was silence. Rey looked at Luke. Luke looked at Rey. He continued milking the sloth…

####============

Meanwhile, Finn, his girlfriend, and Poe were on a secret mission.

"I wonder what Rey's up to right now," Finn remarked, glancing out a window. General Leia did the backstroke through the interstellar void, warmed only by the Force, and waved to him as she passed by. "I bet it's incredibly exciting, with –"

"You're a selfish traitor!" his girlfriend, Rose, carped at him.

" – yes, honey," he mumbled, and hustled on. Poe pouted attractively.

####============

"So, er…" Rey ventured, breaking eye contact. "What can you tell me about the Force?"

"Oh… well, I'd say the Jedi have become so numb, without a soul. Their spirit is sleeping somewhere cold. Until you, Rey, find it there, and lead it back home. Wake the Force up inside. Call my name and save the galaxy from the Dark. Save me from the nothing I've become–"

"Will you stop quoting My Chemical Romance lyrics at me and give me _guidance?!_ "

Luke scowled. "Kids these days. That's clearly Evanescence."

####=============

"Well, that was exciting," Poe said.

"Especially the part where I nearly sacrificed myself for everyone, only I survived," said Finn, weakly smiling as Rose patted him on the back. "Hooray for character development! And also –"

####=============

"-and furthermore," Luke said in a professorial voice, milking the sloth in lieu of scratching on a chalkboard, "it's absurd and ridiculous that people only care about people with the Force powers and laser swords. The galaxy needs heroes who –"

"I'm very sorry," Rey said, standing up suddenly. "I just got a very urgent Force call from Kylo Ren." She tapped the side of her temple. "Speaking. Who the hell gave you my number?"

"Damn kids these days, always on their smart-Force-bonds…" Luke muttered, turning back to the sloth.

"What am I wearing? My regular clothes, why? Stop that heavy breathing! It's obnoxious!" Rey cleared her throat. "Sorry, Master Luke, I wasn't talking to you. Say, could you give me some exposition before I head off to the climax of this movie?"

"Well, when Ben was a young boy, Snoke took him into the Dark Side, to see –"

"Enough Three Days Grace lyrics!" Rey snapped, and headed for the Falcon.

"- and that's when I tried to kill him!" Luke shouted after her. "And I'll have you know, young lady, that's My Chemical Romance!"

####==========

Rey climbed out of a crate to find Kylo Ren standing before her. "So what if you can see," he intoned, swaying his hips from side to side as he peeled off his shirt, "the Darkest Side of me? No one will ever change this sad animal I have become–"

"This is what I get for sending myself to him in a _shipping_ container," she muttered furiously, climbing back into the crate. "Like uncle, like nephew, just spouting Evanescence lyrics at me…"

"It's _Three Days Grace_ , you uncultured _swine!_ " Kylo Ren shrieked, his voice breaking on the final syllable. "Oh, why will this world never be what I expected–"

"Ben, I have left alone everything that I own to make you see it's never too late," Luke said, appearing via Force Skype. "Maybe we'll turn it around, because it's not too late, it's never too–"

 **Kylo Ren attempts Force Drain on Luke Skywalker. (Will Save: 100 | attack DC: lolplot) Attack successful; Luke Skywalker takes 86 damage.**

 **Luke Skywalker dies!**

 **Kylo Ren receives 666 EXP. Alignment shift: -20 (Dark Side)**

 **Influence Lost: Mark Hamill**

 **Search Corpse: 1138000 credits have been added to Mark Hamill's inventory.**

 **Influence Gained: Mark Hamill**

"No time for goodbye," Luke said, as he faded away. "Don't put your life in someone's hands; they're bound to steal it away. Don't hide your mistakes, because they'll find you, burn you…"

As his uncle passed into the Force, Kylo Ren cleared his throat. "I can't escape myself," he said solemnly, stepping towards Rey. "So many times I've lied – but there's still rage inside. Somebody get me through this nightmare. I can't control myself–"

"Never," Rey spat. "Not only do I hate your taste in music, but you've massacred your classmates, propped up a space Nazi regime, helped wipe out an entire star system, killed your own father, killed my mentor before my eyes, loyally served a Dark-Sided overlord –"

"Oh, I can fix that last one," Kylo Ren said, and sliced Snoke in two.

Rey stared as millions of fan theories suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

"By the way, your parents were just random drunks," he added, and millions more suffered the same fate.

"Is this the real life?" she asked blankly. "Or is this just fantasy?" She slapped herself on the side of the head. "Damnit, they've got me doing it."

"You may be Rey Random to the fandom, but you're not nobody to me," he said, extending a hand. "Let the past die. Kill it, if you must." His eyes gazed deep into hers. All the world seemed to fall away; it was as though, for a moment, there was only the two of them, and the hand he offered. Rey wavered…

"That is, a full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just want to tell you how I'm feeling – I've got to make you understand. Never going to give you up, never going to let you d–"

The resulting blast of the Force left him compacted in a heap in a corner of the throne room.

####==========

"Poe might end up heading the resistance, Finn's got a spine, and, oh, I'm dating him," Rose explained to Rey as the remaining members of the Resistance huddled in the cockpit of the Falcon. "Also, everything's gone to blazes. How has _your_ day been?"

"Don't ask," Rey said flatly, and jumped to hyperspace.

 ** _THE END_**

============####

…

============####

Hux walked into the room, stared at Snoke sashimi, looked over at Kylo Ren, pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. "I don't even want to know." Striding over to Kylo Ren, he looked down at the Darksider. "Still alive, Ren?"

"On the ground I lay," Kylo Ren proclaimed, "motionless in pain; I can see my life flashing before my eyes. Did I fall asleep? Is this all a dream? Wake me up; I'm living a night–"

Hux chloroformed him and dragged him off.


End file.
